My Cozy Casita

I mean my strength as a human, femme and woman is in my maternal side, my intellectual side, my political side.  It doesn’t have to be in some steel exterior impenetrable and explosive.  This comes to me in a day where I am doing more resting, more existing in my domesticity, and more focus on what my work in the world really is. 

I’ve had to use my tough exterior to survive at times, to have edges that are rough instead of real nonporous boundaries.  Instead of guarding my emotions with love, I have done so with fear, toughness, and aggressiveness for most of my life.  In a way I still have to do some of that out on those streets because well – I have to go to Manhattan 3 days a week to be professional and this city is wild.  I also must keep people at some substantial distances because if not my emotions are all out there. 

A lot of these defense mechanisms were created due to my past trauma with abuse.  These mechanisms in my personality where useful during points of immaturity when I had to survive out there…

TW (mentions/implied Child Abuse) – when you must be a four-year-old with no protection after violence, you grow up like this.  I am grateful to my parents for providing me with some very essential things and real moments of happy childhood, but some core issues were neglected a lot.  There were dysfunctions galore, and abuse did happen from relatives that were never addressed.  I had to create a cocoon of anger, steel walls of fights, use hate and aggression to not let anyone near that could be that frightfully abusive.  I was not always successful in protecting myself because this is only a superficial quick solution to protection.  And it was not the best way to grow up.  Toughness doesn’t yield a personality with no edges. I’ve had to really conceptualize and reframed my trauma history to start thriving lately.  I say this not because I’m unique or want to get attention or whatever—speaking of trauma is never the most soothing topic to find in front of you.  I say this in the case there is someone here trying to shift into a healing and thriving space after having so many rough edges for survival.  After creating a life with toughness and anger.  I have used those energies to create an existence in this world, I’m proud of the energy that tough girl created to make sure I stayed in this world.  And now she will be honored in me while I blossom into someone else. 

Not sure if anyone will read this but if it ever happens to help anyone who stumbles upon it.  I hope you feel less alone.

Much love <3